Starting Again

It's been awhile since I really sat down and wrote in my blog. Actually wrote. About things that really matter to me, or just things about me. I'm gonna reintroduce myself because I'm not the same girl who started this blog. I still am very similar, but I've changed a lot. Things have happened to me, I've happened to things...yeah. It's life. Keeps on going and pulling you with it. Here goes:

Hi. Welcome. My name is grace Nathan. I'm 5'8" tall, have red hair and a smattering of freckles because it's nearing the end of the summer, and I don't tan very well. I freckle. I'm almost in my last year of being twenty-something, and I'm not gonna lie, that scares me. I consider myself a kind person, but if you mess with me or mine, you're goin' down. I do have a redhead's temper, and I'm not afraid to use it. I believe that the greatest power is Love. Love made me. Love made my family. Love makes the flowers grow, not just rain (take that, Eponine).  Relationships are very important to me. I've been married to my partner for over 9 years now. He's a man and I'm a woman. I didn't say husband and wife because I really want to convey that we are partners. We married because we are best friends who wanted to partner up in this life so we would never have to go through anything alone. We've had times of trying to control each other, and times of trying to submit to each other, but all in all nothing describes us better than partners. We are equal. He's a wonderful man. I've never had to fight to be heard. The thing that first attracted me to him was his kindness and caring to everyone around him. You don't meet people like that everyday. We have 3 kids who are constantly teaching us how to be parents as they seem to come up with a new curveball to toss at us every other day. I wouldn't trade them for anything. My heart never ceases to melt when they call me "mommy." Because for right now, for these few short years, I'm the center of their lives, and I will protect and nurture with all my strength.

And now there's this; I think I'm a very open-minded person. I could be wrong, because I think my world is small right now. I have a lot of thoughts and opinions that are new (within the past 5 years) to me and I know I can be used to help bring more Love into this world. I see doors opening up and new things are about to happen. I think maybe they've been happening and I've really only just begun to notice. Sometimes I get so caught up in the blur of everyday life, that I forget about that huge world out there. A world full of pain, sorrow, courage, healing, hate, and Love. I'm a part of that world whether I think I can choose to be or not. I can shut it out (and sometimes I need to so I can refocus), and I can let it in, or rather, let myself out. There is much to be done, so here I am. grace. Oh yeah, one more thing. I think capital G's are ugly. They're fine for random words, but I don't like to use them for my name. I prefer a nice lower case little squiggly g. grace.

This is the Posted Title

Here I am, inspired by my sister to write, even though I cannot think of anything to write about. I do feel the need to be creative, but I don't think writing is totally my outlet. It has been far too long since my last post though. That was over a year ago, when my sweet JoJo was born.

Let's see....Life is. Life is crazy. Life is crazy, insane, uncertain, and exciting! I never know where the next bend in the road will take me, but I love that. I love not knowing, and I love change (I needed to tell myself that, because I forgot.) So many things have been changing lately, or been thrown into the 'uncertain' pile. I was really upset about that at first, but now I'm just looking forward to what that change will bring. What's in store for us in the near future? I'm really cool with whatever, as long as I have my Jon by my side, baby on my hip, and kids trailing along. I think this is it for now.....I'll try to pop on again soon and give a few more details about my juicy, exciting life! ;)

Jonah's Birth Story

Ok...let's see how much of this I remember. It has been nearly 7 weeks already ;)

I woke up Monday morning, four days past his due date, feeling rather depressed. For the past several nights I would go to bed feeling strong contractions, but they would fizzle out during the night. I would also have strong contractions whenever I took a walk or climbed the stairs, but they never kept going. I decided to call Amy (my amazing midwife) and just get some advice from her. She told me to go ahead and come in and she would check me and see what might be going on. I had a feeling that we would somehow get labor started, so I wanted my kids and Jon with me. We drove 45 minutes to the birth center from my parents' house. Amy checked my cervix, and found that I was already 5 cm dilated! We talked, and she said we could get things going pretty fast and have the baby today. I was totally on board with that, so she swept the membranes, and then had me take drops of herbs to help get things going. Now, this whole pregnancy I had been saying that I was not going to induce in any way, and that I was going to let Jonah come when he was good and ready. The reason being, was that I took castor oil to get labor started on Simon's due date, and really regretted the experience. This time was different. The methods we used were much gentler, and most importantly, I had peace. I prayed, and felt like God was leading in this, and I was following. Anyway, I called my mom who was on her way back home with Jamie and Cameron (they had been visiting a friend), and asked if they could just come straight to the birth center to take care of the kids. They came, and Jon brought our stuff in from the van and set it up in the blue and brown birthing room (incidentally, the color combinations of blue and brown had been following me around the entire pregnancy, and I love those colors together so I felt very comfortable in there. It was also the room Lacey was born in nearly 6 years previously). Mom and Jamie took the kids to chickfila to get them out of the way while I labored. The contractions had picked up ever since Amy swept the membranes, and were getting pretty intense. Amy checked me again and I was dilated to 7, I think? She had me push on a contraction, and that broke my water. I continued to walk laps through the birth center to keep things moving. It got to the point where I had to stop walking and squat so I could get through the contraction, then continue walking. It got pretty intense soon after that, so Amy helped me get situated on the birthing ball. At one point I remember feeling so helpless and in pain, and thinking I just couldn't do it (transition, I know ;). I had this sudden need to see Marianne, and have her look in my eyes to encourage me, but she wasn't able to make it there in time (she has little ones, but was on the way to the birth center), so I looked at Amy. She looked straight into my eyes and smiled. I don't know how, but I felt like she transferred some strength into me, and I knew I could get through this. Jon was also there, constantly encouraging me, and making sure all my needs were met, and reminding me to keep my facial muscles loose (open mouth, open cervix). He was awesome! Not too long after that I told Amy I was ready to push. She let me get into the tub (ahhh, I love the water) and I began pushing with the contractions. At first I would keep my head back while pushing, fully knowing that I needed to put my chin down, but somehow not being able to. Jon kept reminding me to put my chin down, but for some reason it was impossible to do until Amy told me to listen to Jon, and do it. Then suddenly I was able. The whole world was tuned out, and things seemed hazy, but I could hear Amy's voice clearly. I followed her directions, and somehow managed to stop pushing while Jonah was crowning (ow!) and then just push very slowly. If you have never had a baby, you have no idea how hard that is to do! Jonah's head eased out, and then one more push and suddenly Amy was laying him on my chest. Such a miracle! I was so in love once again, and so amazed and this sweet little darling. We just met, and yet I had known him all my life. My darling Jonah River. He weighed 8lbs 11oz, same as Lacey when she was born! I think labor lasted approximately 3 1/2 hours. This had been the hardest pregnancy yet, with me being sick so much. I knew that everything would be fine though, and that he would be born a healthy baby boy. Near the beginning of the pregnancy I had been sick with a fairly high fever, and I was so worried that it would hurt my baby as he was developing. I had picked up my bible, and was reading John chapter 4. When I got to the end of the chapter I read verse 50.

“Go,” Jesus replied, “your son will live.”

Your son will live. From then on, I knew that Jonah would be fine, and whenver I had worries, I would return to that verse and remember that God is in control. Not me.

A Different Path for Parenting

Not too long ago I read a couple of really good articles (here and here) that led me to have an epiphany on child-rearing. This is something that has been growing in my mind, but I wasn't quite sure what it was or how to define it. Now I know. My husband and I have decided that we don't want to teach our children to obey without question. We want to teach them respect, and how to think for themselves. When I order my kids to do something, I put myself in a bad place. If they rebel will I force them to follow my orders, or do I just let them have their way and ignore the outcome? It works so much better when I politely ask them to do (or not to do) something. More often than not they respond the way I want them to, all the while feeling that they are respected and not just ordered around like mindless minions. Sometimes they still refuse, or want to know why, so I explain it to them. Yes it's tiring. Yes they are unreasonable at times, but I think this will lead to keeping a close relationship even through their teens.

I think parents too often are judged on how their small children behave. Now, I don't mean that it's appropriate to let them run wild to the point of destroying stuff and making messes in other peoples' homes. Oftentimes we do need to physically restrain our toddlers. At the same time though, we need to explain to our children what we're doing, and why they aren't allowed to behave that way. Not just "because I said so."

This won't be an easy path, but no one ever said parenting was easy. It doesn't mean I'm not going to ever tell my children what to do, but I will make a huge effort to stop ordering them around. No one likes to be treated that way. Children are just as important as adults, and should be given the same amount of respect.

Well, I still have many more thoughts on the subject, but for now, motherhood calls. Maybe more will come later, maybe not ;)

How Deep the Father's Love for Us.

Okay, my last post was kinda depressing. God heard my pleas and prayers and answered them with truly an amazing gift! I am pregnant! 5 months ago I lost a baby to a miscarriage. My heart was broken, but I continued to trust in Jesus, knowing that He still cares for me. I am just so thankful and so thrilled to be pregnant again! I will always miss the little one that I lost. I will never forget my little River, but God has given us another chance. Children are a gift from the Lord. I have 4 amazing gifts. Lacey (5), Simon (2.5), River (in heaven), and this tiny baby growing inside me right now. Lord, I pray that you would protect this baby from all harm, and that he/she would growing and be healthy and strong. I don't want to lose this one dear Father. I trust You. You are the only one that can truly keep anyone safe. Please protect this little life, and help it to grow up and live to a ripe old age!

I am so excited! My husband and I already picked out names! Jon is so excited too! He has been longing for another child just as I have. It warms my heart to see how excited he is. He's been so sweet too! This evening I had a terrible chocolate and coffee craving, so he went to starbucks and got me a decaf coffee and a brownie! I really need to watch what I eat though....I'm glad because I got back down to my pre-Simon weight. That was what I hoped to do before getting pregnant again. God, You are SO good! I don't deserve this. On my knees I praise and thank You for Your everlasting love and kindness. Great is the Lord and worthy to be praised!!!!

Home; A Sanctuary

I'm not even sure where to begin, but maybe the words will just tumble out at they come into my head. I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I'm really content, and then so many other times I'm frustrated, discontent, and somewhat depressed. I need to be closer to God. There is no other cure. I know that. I have excuses, yes. None of them very good. Some of them involving spending all my waking hours hauling Simon out of trouble in this non-childproof house we are living in right now. Because of another resident of this house I have to constantly watch what I say or it might be taken the wrong way, or challenged. Not very pleasant when it's the place you call home for the time being. Home is supposed to be where you can relax and be yourself, and where everyone accepts you for who you are. Home. How I long to be in my eternal home. No more sorrows or struggles or feelings of complete inadequacy and ugliness. I will be perfect, and forever loved. Home is where my heart is. No amount of dieting, exercising, buying fashionable clothes, watching movies or reading books can satisfy. How much longer must I wait. I need to be content where I am. I know I'm being tested. I think I am failing miserably. The truth is, I'm pretty sure I am ugly, and not very intelligent, fat, and a terrible wife and mother to those 3 that I love most. I just want to leave this earth. I would never consider suicide. I know that's wrong. I just long for my heavenly home...the link sets the mood.

Life is Changing

Several weeks ago Jon and I heard about a missions opportunity that really inspired us. I'm not going to share the details yet (mostly because there are a lot I need to find out still), but we were both very excited and felt that God was pulling us in that direction. As we talked about it being a possibility, Jon voiced some concerns. We have a fair amount of debt, what with student loans, house payments, car payments, ect. How would we be able to go on the mission field since we have to pay so much a month toward those debts? We both agreed to continue praying, and that if this is what God wanted us to pursue, then He would make it happen.
Three days later, Jon was contacted by a contracting agency, and they had matched him up with a job in Florida. Then next day Jon had an interview on skype, and then the day after that he was offered the job. We had agreed that if he was offered the job then he should take it, because the pay would be so much more than he was making at the time, and that would allow us to pay off our debts so much faster, hence moving along the road to missions. They wanted him to start in two weeks. Those couple weeks were extremely busy, filled with packing and cramming in as many last-minute get-togethers with friends as we could!
We are now in Florida, living with Jon's parents until our house in SC sells. The day after we moved here poor Simon came down with the stomach bug, and has had it ever since! We are praying for his recovery. He is staying hydrated with lots of breastfeeding (ouchie), water, and juice, but he's not too happy because he doesn't feel good. Lacey has been very well behaved and sweet. She has her difficult moments, but overall she's such a big help, and so full of love for everyone. Jon is adjusting pretty well to his new job, although he was out today because he succumbed to the bug.... Daisy-the-dog realizes that this is our current residence, because she has taken up the role of guard dog for the house. She never barked at anyone when we just visited here, but she's smart, and knows that we live here now.
This has been a huge change, leaving our comfortable house and living with someone else along with being in a semi-new (I have visited family in FL often all my life, so I have a lot of memories here) area. It was so hard leaving so many good friends in SC. I didn't realize how many friends I had there until I had to leave. I'm thankful for facebook, but it's not the same. It's also challenging here because I have to locate resources for more natural foods, along with just finding my way around. I am enjoying the sunny warm weather though! Today I finally got out and went to Publix, and was amused to see so many people dressed in winter coats and hooded sweatshirts. It felt quite warm to me. I'm looking forward to even warmer weather though, when we can play at the beach!
All in all, this isn't where I would have chosen to live, but I know that God wants us here, and I am content in that. Through all of these changes I continue clinging to my Saviour, and I feel safe and secure.
That was my news update. Maybe later I'll get a chance to write down my actual feelings and rambling ponderings on all of this.