1. I'm Going to Finish

Remember that writing class I wrote about that I joined? Well, it's over, and I barely participated. Life happened, but I also felt trapped, like I HAD to write stuff so my insides rebelled. And I didn't write. So, this is me, taking a second shot at this thing. I still have all the prompts. This will be done piece by piece, and maybe not even in order. But I'm going to do this. I need to. Here are a few questions in one of the emails when the class started. I'm not even sure if it's technically a 'prompt', but it's prompting me.

what is it that keeps you up at night? What could you talk about every single day for the rest of your life? What do you want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know? 

What keep me up at night? Often it's the gnawing feelings that I somehow failed at my job that day. That I wasn't good enough, and didn't do all that I could do or be all that I could be. And I'm not lying there feeling sorry for myself. I lie there feeling sorrow for the little ones in my care. I'm not a bad mom. I know that. But I want to be the perfect mom. I want my kids to feel so loved and so safe, that they don't ever worry about things, and just channel all their energy into whatever they love to do most. I want them to grow up with all the self-confidence and security that anyone could ever posses, so that nothing can stop them from being who they fully are. I believe that not one person on this earth  is an accident, but that we are all needed. All different types. I also believe that so many of us are damaged, and need to realize that, before we can bring healing and unity to others. So, I lie awake at night wishing that I could be completely undamaged, so that my kids could grow up without damage, and then in turn be strong enough to withstand anything that came at them as adults. But maybe life isn't supposed to be like that...

What could I talk about every single day for the rest of my life? Probably...Love. And adventure.  My soul longs for adventure. I was made that way. Ever since I can remember I knew I belonged among the trees. running, climbing, shooting makeshift arrows from a bow my sister helped me make. There is so much I want to see! I long to travel the world and meet so many different people. I want to work with my hands and build things that have meaning and purpose. I will never stop creating, dreaming, and loving.

I want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know: "We're all human! Stop fighting and struggling and hoarding! Let's do this thing called life together! Let's never let another person go hungry or struggle alone again! Let us Love one another!

32 Random Things About Me

1.My eyes have been described as 'riverdance eyes.'
2.I have anger issues (redhead).
3.My dog's name is Daisy. She's a boxer/english bulldog mix, and I'm pretty sure she'd give her life for me.
4.Horses are amazing.
5.Kevin Max is my favorite singer of all time. I will follow his voice anywhere, even to the Audio Adrenaline box he's in right now, even though I don't usually listen to christian music.
6.I got married at age 19.
7.I love to crochet, sew, paint, draw, build things with wood, create things out of clay, and once in a while...bake.
8.I'm growing my hair out because I miss having long hair, but I will probably chop it off before I get it as long as I planned.
9.I started learning how to ride a motorcycle, and even got my permit. The permit expired before I got a chance to really learn how.
10.I quit college because I felt trapped. I needed to be free.
11.I love the ocean so much.
12.I always have wanderlust.
13. I'm pretty sure I was born into the wrong story, because I really belong in Middle Earth, living among the trees as an elfmaid warrior.
14. I'm a gamer chick. I especially love World of Warcraft but have given it up temporarily.
15. I usually feel like I'm not a good enough mom to my kids, even though they love me like crazy.
16. I love my kids more than anything and am pretty sure they are the reason I am still here.
17. My partner and sisters are my best friends.
18. When I hang out with my brothers we watch anime together and drink coffee.
19. I married my best friend. He's my partner. We are equals.
20. When I was a kid I would climb trees almost to the top and imagine I could soar off into the sky. I loved that I could climb higher than my sisters because I was smaller.
21. When I was 12 my family moved from NJ to SC. Aside from my friends, I missed climbing trees and playing in the snow the most.
22. I'm 5ft.8in tall. I wanted to grow to 6ft when I was a kid.
23. I gave birth to 3 kids at a birth center in greemville, sc. All 3 were amazing and empowering experiences. 24. I don't believe in vaccinating, but I don't judge you if you do. Just be informed.
25. I regularly go to the chiropractor. If I skip a month I get dreadful headaches.
26. I never let anyone ever have authority over me.
27. pizza and beer are the best combination of all time.
28. I have long feet. Size 9.
29. I love fashion, and dream of one day opening my own shop called 'Wintergreen'. It would have a variety of things that you can't find just anywhere. Cloaks, corsets, leather boots (think elven), wooden bows and arrows, medieval ball gowns, medieval men's suits as well. Also some steampunk stuff. Think goth mary poppins.
30. Panera is my favorite place. I have a song about that.
31. I want to live within bike-riding distance to the beach, and be kind of a beach bum, riding my bike to the grocery store, to my yoga class, to visit friends...my car would be a last resort. Or for long trips.
32. I've been to at least 20 different states this year.
 

Would it Be Okay?

Would it be okay,
 For just one day,
To not get out of bed today?

Would it be alright,
 For just one night,
To sleep in peace and rest tonight?

Would it be wise,
 To close my eyes,
And shut out all the pain and lies.

I beg for help,
 But they don't know.
My desperation doesn't show.

I hate this girl,
So thin and bleak.
Useless, ugly, hurt, and weak.

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

Homeless. What comes to mind when you see that word? Tired, hungry people. Standing by the roadside with a sign. Asking for work, for food. What do you do when you see them? What do you think about when you see them? Do you think maybe they are lazy people, who just don't want to work hard like the rest of us. Or maybe they are just foolish, and deserve to live with their own continued mistakes. Do you pass judgement on them without knowing? Without KNOWING. What have they been through, to get to that point? Who hurt them so much, that they are now considered the dregs of society. We have no right to judge! We don't know their story. They are our fellow human beings. You know, Jesus was homeless. Jesus was often dirty from the dust and grime of travel.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't even really know where to start. But we all need to step up and unite as people. We should help when we see a need, and we should accept help when we need it. Jon and I and the kids have made a pact that whenever we see someone who is hungry that we do not leave them empty. We will try to feed every hungry and hurting person who comes across our path. Especially those we might pass when driving. Don't hesitate to stop and share. Have you ever felt the despair that comes with hunger? Maybe if they just had a free meal given to them out of love, then maybe that would give them the strength to take another step.

I'm going to fill a couple bags with shelf-stable and easy to open foods, and keep them in my van between the front seats. That way when I meet someone who is hungry I will always be able to share, even if I am in a hurry. This is on my heart right now, and maybe that's where it will stay. I'll see where it takes me. I want to make a difference. I want to show Love. What will you do? Please leave a comment and share your ideas on how to help, how to love, and how to unite.

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”

                               -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Grey SKies, Flat Earth.

Grey skies, flat earth.

Listening,  stirring,  restless. 

Strength to change,

Knowledge to gain,

Hearts beating faster.

Voices loud, singing crowd.

Needing, lifting, trying.

Faces to know,

Hands to hold,

Consuming depths remaking.

Ocean hills, colors heather.

Yearning,  reaching, grasping. 

Plans are made, 

Steps to take, 

Unhindered spirits flying.

Love

It has been awhile again since I wrote. Life happened. I had 3 weeks to pack up our 3 bedroom apartment. 3 weeks while I was a single mother. 3 weeks to say goodbye. Anything happening online was an afterthought. I might be back now, but I don't know for how long. Part of me feels so much joy, and then part of me is too tired. Tired of waiting, of tending to thousands of daily needs voiced from little mouths that are always wanting. I have a post I want to write soon, but today might not be the day. Or maybe....maybe it is. Maybe that's what is missing. The truth. The realness. Bare and laid out, for all to see. Yes, I think it's time.

 This is about Love. Love is HUGE! Way bigger than we can imagine! I grew up hearing and believing that God is male, and that thinking anything different was blasphemous and we would offend Him. But you know what? Love is bigger than gender. Love does not just happen between a man and a woman. Who are we to limit it so? Women can love each other. Men can love each other. If one of my sons brings home a boyfriend in the future, I will be ok with that. If my daughter brings home a girlfriend, well I'll be ok with that too. It is not my place to put love in a box. Love is huge. I also grew up thinking that only Christians could really love each other, and anyone who didn't call themselves a christian didn't know how to truly love. Wow. So narrow! Such a small box! No, you cannot put love in a box. You can try, but the box will only contain you. Not love. I believe that love touches all. It touches in different amounts. Mothers seems to have loads of it for their young. And you know what? You know that whole gender thing about God? Well here's the answer. God is Love.

There is so much more I want to write about, but this it it for the time being. Now, if you are so inclined to convince me that I'm wrong, or that I'm lost and need some serious help, don't. Do Not. Don't comment, send me a chat, text, or email, or even phone call about this, unless you agree with me or are at least open. I am a guided free spirit, but I'm not guided by you. This doesn't mean I'm a close-minded asshole. I just know that there are people that will be upset and will want to 'help' me. And I know that I'm more than fine. I'm flying. Free. At last.

Bravery Undefeated

Prompt :: What moments of bravery have you faced this month? How have you taken the jump even when it feels as if you may fail? What can you do TODAY that shows  bravery in pursuing your dream?

Here goes. LIFE IS TURNING UPSIDE DOWN AND I THINK THE WATER IS FAR TOO DARK AND DEEP BUT I'M JUMPING IN ANYWAY!!! Hell yes, I'm jumping! Yeah, I've been used to the chaos of life on the road. We've been in the same apartment for about 6 months but have only lived here for maybe a total of two months, but not all at once. I was ok with that. It could get hard, but it became the norm. We were used to it. We would bring plenty of car activities, and then school books and movies for the hotel rooms, as well as swim suits and a double stroller for recreation and exercise. We had our groove on. We knew how it was done.

Now our lease is ending, our renters in our house in another city are leaving, so we're going back to our old house. It sort of feels like a step backward in life. There are people that I love there, people I have missed. But I am not the girl who left. I am so different. I've been wounded and become stronger, I've broken out of my box and am soaring through the universe of freedom, truth and Love (yes, I just watched Moulin Rouge last night.#timelessmovie). There is so much to discover and learn. It's scary and wonderful all at once. 

 Sometimes it feels like drowning, like when I start thinking of all the things I need to make sure happen. Sometimes I feel too tired to keep on. Sometimes I have so many feelings and I don't understand half of them or why they are even there. But then I remember that I'm strong. I am a mother warrior. I can do this. Hell, yeah I can do this! I'm not alone, and I'm not weak. 

So here I am. I'm jumping! Jumping into the crazy that is moving. Packing, cleaning, going through junk, chasing a toddler and homeschooling the other 2. Jumping into the unknown of what's going to come next. Jon and I both know that we don't want to live in that house long-term, that this is just temporary. We're just not sure what will come next, or where we will go, or where do we even want to go? All I know is that with Jon by my side, and our kids in our arms, we are living our dreams out, because that is all we need. Love is enough.