Sunday, February 27, 2011
I'm not even sure where to begin, but maybe the words will just tumble out at they come into my head. I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I'm really content, and then so many other times I'm frustrated, discontent, and somewhat depressed. I need to be closer to God. There is no other cure. I know that. I have excuses, yes. None of them very good. Some of them involving spending all my waking hours hauling Simon out of trouble in this non-childproof house we are living in right now. Because of another resident of this house I have to constantly watch what I say or it might be taken the wrong way, or challenged. Not very pleasant when it's the place you call home for the time being. Home is supposed to be where you can relax and be yourself, and where everyone accepts you for who you are. Home. How I long to be in my eternal home. No more sorrows or struggles or feelings of complete inadequacy and ugliness. I will be perfect, and forever loved. Home is where my heart is. No amount of dieting, exercising, buying fashionable clothes, watching movies or reading books can satisfy. How much longer must I wait. I need to be content where I am. I know I'm being tested. I think I am failing miserably. The truth is, I'm pretty sure I am ugly, and not very intelligent, fat, and a terrible wife and mother to those 3 that I love most. I just want to leave this earth. I would never consider suicide. I know that's wrong. I just long for my heavenly home...the link sets the mood.