Sunday, September 22, 2013

Bravery Undefeated

Prompt :: What moments of bravery have you faced this month? How have you taken the jump even when it feels as if you may fail? What can you do TODAY that shows  bravery in pursuing your dream?

Here goes. LIFE IS TURNING UPSIDE DOWN AND I THINK THE WATER IS FAR TOO DARK AND DEEP BUT I'M JUMPING IN ANYWAY!!! Hell yes, I'm jumping! Yeah, I've been used to the chaos of life on the road. We've been in the same apartment for about 6 months but have only lived here for maybe a total of two months, but not all at once. I was ok with that. It could get hard, but it became the norm. We were used to it. We would bring plenty of car activities, and then school books and movies for the hotel rooms, as well as swim suits and a double stroller for recreation and exercise. We had our groove on. We knew how it was done.

Now our lease is ending, our renters in our house in another city are leaving, so we're going back to our old house. It sort of feels like a step backward in life. There are people that I love there, people I have missed. But I am not the girl who left. I am so different. I've been wounded and become stronger, I've broken out of my box and am soaring through the universe of freedom, truth and Love (yes, I just watched Moulin Rouge last night.#timelessmovie). There is so much to discover and learn. It's scary and wonderful all at once. 

 Sometimes it feels like drowning, like when I start thinking of all the things I need to make sure happen. Sometimes I feel too tired to keep on. Sometimes I have so many feelings and I don't understand half of them or why they are even there. But then I remember that I'm strong. I am a mother warrior. I can do this. Hell, yeah I can do this! I'm not alone, and I'm not weak. 

So here I am. I'm jumping! Jumping into the crazy that is moving. Packing, cleaning, going through junk, chasing a toddler and homeschooling the other 2. Jumping into the unknown of what's going to come next. Jon and I both know that we don't want to live in that house long-term, that this is just temporary. We're just not sure what will come next, or where we will go, or where do we even want to go? All I know is that with Jon by my side, and our kids in our arms, we are living our dreams out, because that is all we need. Love is enough. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Close to My Heart

I don't even really know how to start this post. It's going to be close to my heart, because it's about my heart. This is about pieces of my heart, and how I lost one of those pieces. I cried again last night. It's been awhile. I don't usually cry, and I'm doing pretty well most of the time. Sometimes though, I think of her... She would have been so perfect. Tiny hands and face. Sweet baby smell. Little pinched mouth and squinty eyes. I never got to see that though.  I read once how your children are like pieces of your heart running around outside your body. Vulnerable and precious.

About 3 years ago, just about this time of year, I discovered that I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was so happy! I'd wanted another baby for about a year now, and finally my dreams were coming true! My children are my dreams. When I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a mommy. I often wished someone would leave a baby on our doorstep with a note that this baby was for me to raise. I was probably only 7 at the time. But I knew my dreams.

It didn't last though. I don't know what happened. Maybe I was doing too much lifting, not enough resting. My other 2 children definitely kept me on my toes, especially my youngest. I don't know if it was my fault or not, but one evening I started bleeding. I had a lot of lower back pain. I knew that I was losing my baby. A piece of my heart was dying, bleeding out of me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Sobs wracked my body and I cried for the pain that comes with loss of life. I prayed that she didn't feel pain when she died. In my heart I knew she was a girl. River. Baby River.I will never get to hold you in this world.

5 months later I was blessed with another pregnancy, and this one stayed. I named him Jonah River so that his sister's memory would always be remembered in his name. Jonah's life helped ease the pain of River's death, but nothing can erase it. I will always carry that hurt with me. The empty hurting in my heart where she took a piece away. I will always love her and remember her. I still sometimes imagine what she would look like. Probably have curly red hair and chubby cheeks. I am confident that I will meet her one day, and I'll finally have my heart completely whole.

I put together a special locket (thanks to my dear friend Mirenda who sells Origami Owl), representing who I am as a mother, and the pieces of my heart that I will always love. 4 tiny hearts, each the color of their birthstones. One for May because River would have been born in May. The disc inside says "mama." And the tag on the outside says "warrior." I am a Mama Warrior.
 And so I wear this necklace as I enjoy, remember, and love my children. I am blessed, even though it still hurts sometimes.