Thursday, September 5, 2013

Close to My Heart

I don't even really know how to start this post. It's going to be close to my heart, because it's about my heart. This is about pieces of my heart, and how I lost one of those pieces. I cried again last night. It's been awhile. I don't usually cry, and I'm doing pretty well most of the time. Sometimes though, I think of her... She would have been so perfect. Tiny hands and face. Sweet baby smell. Little pinched mouth and squinty eyes. I never got to see that though.  I read once how your children are like pieces of your heart running around outside your body. Vulnerable and precious.

About 3 years ago, just about this time of year, I discovered that I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was so happy! I'd wanted another baby for about a year now, and finally my dreams were coming true! My children are my dreams. When I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a mommy. I often wished someone would leave a baby on our doorstep with a note that this baby was for me to raise. I was probably only 7 at the time. But I knew my dreams.

It didn't last though. I don't know what happened. Maybe I was doing too much lifting, not enough resting. My other 2 children definitely kept me on my toes, especially my youngest. I don't know if it was my fault or not, but one evening I started bleeding. I had a lot of lower back pain. I knew that I was losing my baby. A piece of my heart was dying, bleeding out of me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Sobs wracked my body and I cried for the pain that comes with loss of life. I prayed that she didn't feel pain when she died. In my heart I knew she was a girl. River. Baby River.I will never get to hold you in this world.

5 months later I was blessed with another pregnancy, and this one stayed. I named him Jonah River so that his sister's memory would always be remembered in his name. Jonah's life helped ease the pain of River's death, but nothing can erase it. I will always carry that hurt with me. The empty hurting in my heart where she took a piece away. I will always love her and remember her. I still sometimes imagine what she would look like. Probably have curly red hair and chubby cheeks. I am confident that I will meet her one day, and I'll finally have my heart completely whole.

I put together a special locket (thanks to my dear friend Mirenda who sells Origami Owl), representing who I am as a mother, and the pieces of my heart that I will always love. 4 tiny hearts, each the color of their birthstones. One for May because River would have been born in May. The disc inside says "mama." And the tag on the outside says "warrior." I am a Mama Warrior.
 And so I wear this necklace as I enjoy, remember, and love my children. I am blessed, even though it still hurts sometimes.


treemusicmama said...

This is so beautifully written it made me cry! I know it will never stop hurting. I love you so much. You are so strong.

Grace said...

Thank you. Thanks for always being there for me and knowing what to say. I love you too.

Anonymous said...

Grace, I just discovered that you had written several posts since I saw your blog! As Marianne said, this was beautiful,and it's okay to cry. She will always be in your heart!