Tuesday, December 10, 2013

1. I'm Going to Finish

Remember that writing class I wrote about that I joined? Well, it's over, and I barely participated. Life happened, but I also felt trapped, like I HAD to write stuff so my insides rebelled. And I didn't write. So, this is me, taking a second shot at this thing. I still have all the prompts. This will be done piece by piece, and maybe not even in order. But I'm going to do this. I need to. Here are a few questions in one of the emails when the class started. I'm not even sure if it's technically a 'prompt', but it's prompting me.

what is it that keeps you up at night? What could you talk about every single day for the rest of your life? What do you want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know? 

What keep me up at night? Often it's the gnawing feelings that I somehow failed at my job that day. That I wasn't good enough, and didn't do all that I could do or be all that I could be. And I'm not lying there feeling sorry for myself. I lie there feeling sorrow for the little ones in my care. I'm not a bad mom. I know that. But I want to be the perfect mom. I want my kids to feel so loved and so safe, that they don't ever worry about things, and just channel all their energy into whatever they love to do most. I want them to grow up with all the self-confidence and security that anyone could ever posses, so that nothing can stop them from being who they fully are. I believe that not one person on this earth  is an accident, but that we are all needed. All different types. I also believe that so many of us are damaged, and need to realize that, before we can bring healing and unity to others. So, I lie awake at night wishing that I could be completely undamaged, so that my kids could grow up without damage, and then in turn be strong enough to withstand anything that came at them as adults. But maybe life isn't supposed to be like that...

What could I talk about every single day for the rest of my life? Probably...Love. And adventure.  My soul longs for adventure. I was made that way. Ever since I can remember I knew I belonged among the trees. running, climbing, shooting makeshift arrows from a bow my sister helped me make. There is so much I want to see! I long to travel the world and meet so many different people. I want to work with my hands and build things that have meaning and purpose. I will never stop creating, dreaming, and loving.

I want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know: "We're all human! Stop fighting and struggling and hoarding! Let's do this thing called life together! Let's never let another person go hungry or struggle alone again! Let us Love one another!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

32 Random Things About Me

1.My eyes have been described as 'riverdance eyes.'
2.I have anger issues (redhead).
3.My dog's name is Daisy. She's a boxer/english bulldog mix, and I'm pretty sure she'd give her life for me.
4.Horses are amazing.
5.Kevin Max is my favorite singer of all time. I will follow his voice anywhere, even to the Audio Adrenaline box he's in right now, even though I don't usually listen to christian music.
6.I got married at age 19.
7.I love to crochet, sew, paint, draw, build things with wood, create things out of clay, and once in a while...bake.
8.I'm growing my hair out because I miss having long hair, but I will probably chop it off before I get it as long as I planned.
9.I started learning how to ride a motorcycle, and even got my permit. The permit expired before I got a chance to really learn how.
10.I quit college because I felt trapped. I needed to be free.
11.I love the ocean so much.
12.I always have wanderlust.
13. I'm pretty sure I was born into the wrong story, because I really belong in Middle Earth, living among the trees as an elfmaid warrior.
14. I'm a gamer chick. I especially love World of Warcraft but have given it up temporarily.
15. I usually feel like I'm not a good enough mom to my kids, even though they love me like crazy.
16. I love my kids more than anything and am pretty sure they are the reason I am still here.
17. My partner and sisters are my best friends.
18. When I hang out with my brothers we watch anime together and drink coffee.
19. I married my best friend. He's my partner. We are equals.
20. When I was a kid I would climb trees almost to the top and imagine I could soar off into the sky. I loved that I could climb higher than my sisters because I was smaller.
21. When I was 12 my family moved from NJ to SC. Aside from my friends, I missed climbing trees and playing in the snow the most.
22. I'm 5ft.8in tall. I wanted to grow to 6ft when I was a kid.
23. I gave birth to 3 kids at a birth center in greemville, sc. All 3 were amazing and empowering experiences. 24. I don't believe in vaccinating, but I don't judge you if you do. Just be informed.
25. I regularly go to the chiropractor. If I skip a month I get dreadful headaches.
26. I never let anyone ever have authority over me.
27. pizza and beer are the best combination of all time.
28. I have long feet. Size 9.
29. I love fashion, and dream of one day opening my own shop called 'Wintergreen'. It would have a variety of things that you can't find just anywhere. Cloaks, corsets, leather boots (think elven), wooden bows and arrows, medieval ball gowns, medieval men's suits as well. Also some steampunk stuff. Think goth mary poppins.
30. Panera is my favorite place. I have a song about that.
31. I want to live within bike-riding distance to the beach, and be kind of a beach bum, riding my bike to the grocery store, to my yoga class, to visit friends...my car would be a last resort. Or for long trips.
32. I've been to at least 20 different states this year.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Would it Be Okay?

Would it be okay,
 For just one day,
To not get out of bed today?

Would it be alright,
 For just one night,
To sleep in peace and rest tonight?

Would it be wise,
 To close my eyes,
And shut out all the pain and lies.

I beg for help,
 But they don't know.
My desperation doesn't show.

I hate this girl,
So thin and bleak.
Useless, ugly, hurt, and weak.