Tuesday, December 10, 2013

1. I'm Going to Finish

Remember that writing class I wrote about that I joined? Well, it's over, and I barely participated. Life happened, but I also felt trapped, like I HAD to write stuff so my insides rebelled. And I didn't write. So, this is me, taking a second shot at this thing. I still have all the prompts. This will be done piece by piece, and maybe not even in order. But I'm going to do this. I need to. Here are a few questions in one of the emails when the class started. I'm not even sure if it's technically a 'prompt', but it's prompting me.

what is it that keeps you up at night? What could you talk about every single day for the rest of your life? What do you want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know? 

What keep me up at night? Often it's the gnawing feelings that I somehow failed at my job that day. That I wasn't good enough, and didn't do all that I could do or be all that I could be. And I'm not lying there feeling sorry for myself. I lie there feeling sorrow for the little ones in my care. I'm not a bad mom. I know that. But I want to be the perfect mom. I want my kids to feel so loved and so safe, that they don't ever worry about things, and just channel all their energy into whatever they love to do most. I want them to grow up with all the self-confidence and security that anyone could ever posses, so that nothing can stop them from being who they fully are. I believe that not one person on this earth  is an accident, but that we are all needed. All different types. I also believe that so many of us are damaged, and need to realize that, before we can bring healing and unity to others. So, I lie awake at night wishing that I could be completely undamaged, so that my kids could grow up without damage, and then in turn be strong enough to withstand anything that came at them as adults. But maybe life isn't supposed to be like that...

What could I talk about every single day for the rest of my life? Probably...Love. And adventure.  My soul longs for adventure. I was made that way. Ever since I can remember I knew I belonged among the trees. running, climbing, shooting makeshift arrows from a bow my sister helped me make. There is so much I want to see! I long to travel the world and meet so many different people. I want to work with my hands and build things that have meaning and purpose. I will never stop creating, dreaming, and loving.

I want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know: "We're all human! Stop fighting and struggling and hoarding! Let's do this thing called life together! Let's never let another person go hungry or struggle alone again! Let us Love one another!

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