Sunday, February 27, 2011

Home; A Sanctuary

I'm not even sure where to begin, but maybe the words will just tumble out at they come into my head. I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I'm really content, and then so many other times I'm frustrated, discontent, and somewhat depressed. I need to be closer to God. There is no other cure. I know that. I have excuses, yes. None of them very good. Some of them involving spending all my waking hours hauling Simon out of trouble in this non-childproof house we are living in right now. Because of another resident of this house I have to constantly watch what I say or it might be taken the wrong way, or challenged. Not very pleasant when it's the place you call home for the time being. Home is supposed to be where you can relax and be yourself, and where everyone accepts you for who you are. Home. How I long to be in my eternal home. No more sorrows or struggles or feelings of complete inadequacy and ugliness. I will be perfect, and forever loved. Home is where my heart is. No amount of dieting, exercising, buying fashionable clothes, watching movies or reading books can satisfy. How much longer must I wait. I need to be content where I am. I know I'm being tested. I think I am failing miserably. The truth is, I'm pretty sure I am ugly, and not very intelligent, fat, and a terrible wife and mother to those 3 that I love most. I just want to leave this earth. I would never consider suicide. I know that's wrong. I just long for my heavenly home...the link sets the mood.

5 comments:

treemusicmama said...

You are at a very vulnerable place right now...the enemy is fiercely attacking your heart. Fight for it! And I will fight with you every day, Grace. Don't listen to the lies...they are not true. You are so very smart, creative and beautiful. And if you want to know if you're a good wife and mother, all you have to do is see how much your husband and kids love you. God is always faithful and strong, especially when we're not. Oh, and you know what? I think you're amazing. I look up to you in so many ways even though you're younger than me...you are very wise and intuitive. All that said, I love you and I'll talk to you soon.

Gayl said...

Ditto to what Marianne said!!!!! She is right on. You have so many people who love and respect you. And all those friends in Columbia who miss you. You have had so many changes that happened so fast and I think you are handling things quite well. Like Marianne said, God is always faithful and strong and you can run to Him. Just start thinking of all the things you have to be thankful for and I think that will help pull you up again. I love you very much!!!!!! And I am praying for you.

Sara said...

Ditto to Marianne and Mom! Our resurrected life is not an escape. It is the fulfillment of all the struggles in history, personal and cosmic. Our resurrection is the resurrection of these same mortal bodies being given immortality. And it won't be in some distant space called eternity, it will be right here on this planet that God called good, and that will be healed and renewed through the power of Jesus Christ, through whom God is reconciling all things to himself. EARTH IS OUR HOME! Our hardships are part of the huge, cosmic ministry of reconciliation that we are privileged to be invited into. Each little victory in peacemaking among ourselves is our participation in this calling. And never be afraid to stand up for yourself, be yourself and speak for what you believe, especially to those with a power complex. Their perceived power only consists in the extent that they can manipulate other people and dominate them, and they constantly require affirmation from those they expect to control. Don't give in, but confront for the sake of peace and for the empowerment of those who are weak. Ok, now I got to figure out how to take my own advice.

Sara said...

btw, that's awesome song by K-Max!

Grace said...

Wow. Thank you Marianne, Mom and Sara. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me. You each spoke to my heart in a different, yet equally needed, way. I love you all so much!
Marianne, thanks for helping set me straight, and for being right beside me as always. <3
Mom, thank you for noticing and knowing that I have been through a lot, and not just writing it off as nothing (like others seem to do). <3
Sara, you are so right. Thank you for the words of wisdom and encouragement. I will stand up and not be trodden down! <3