Christmas Longing

As usual, this Christmas season has jumped up on me, and I'm staggering, wondering how it came so fast. There's a lot of excitement this time as usual, but I'm really looking forward to watching my kids enjoy the season. Simon was only a year old last year, so he didn't really care that much. This year he is definitely already picking up on the excitement, enjoying the singing, and loving the decorations. I am so thankful for my kids. Each day (several times a day) I thank the Lord for those 2 darling blessings that he has given me. Part of why I do it so often now is that I realize how fragile life really is. I still hurt a lot from losing a baby a couple months ago. I would be nearly halfway through the pregnancy by now. I was looking forward so much to getting to know this new child, and welcoming her into our family. I know that God is in control. He has kept me sane throughout this loss, and sustained me, especially by reminding me to take joy in the children that are here with me now. Some days are harder than other though. It seems that every other day I am finding out that someone else I know is pregnant, or someone else just had a baby. It's hard not to turn into a bitter, jealous, green monster. Sometimes I think I do turn into that for a moment, but then I surrender to God because if I didn't the hurt would just kill me. Don't get me wrong. I am so happy for all those who are enjoying pregnancies and new babies right now. It just reminds of what I lost. I do know that someday when I get to heaven I will hold River in my arms and hug her and kiss her. Lacey and I were talking about heaven the other day, and Lacey said that Jesus is holding baby River, so we don't need to worry. Needless to say I had a very hard time not bursting out in loud sobs. It helps to realize that God sent His only son as a helpless little baby into this cruel world. That had to have been so hard to do, but He loves us so much! We are so blessed to have a Saviour who loves us that much. He is always with us. I still long for a baby. My arms feel empty too often now that Simon is becoming so independent. I would adopt any baby in a heartbeat, given the opportunity. I think this mother's love that I feel is a tiny bit like what God feels for us. He aches to hold us in His arms, and when we are lost from Him, His heart breaks. Whatever we have to go through, here on earth, He has been through it first, and in a much more intense way. He knows our suffering, He feels our pain, and He will never leave us.

Books!

Several months ago I finally got back into reading for fun. For a while I had put that wonderful pastime aside due to taking care of kids, husband, house, ect. I never should have put it aside! It's so refreshing. I love to pick up a good fantasy novel, and drift into a different world for a few minutes. It makes me feel younger again, like I'm still that teenage girl stretched out on her bed reading away an afternoon. Don't worry, I don't let it block out my responsibilities (who could block out those two noisy little responsibilities? ;). I found that in those few years of not reading much, my vocabulary was truncated. After picking up books again it has improved dramatically. It's hard to keep up much of a vocabulary when you mainly communicate to darling kids under the age of 5. It's important though. In our culture, where everything is becoming so dumbed down, we need to step up and teach our kids big, beautiful, and accurate words. I was slightly shocked (horrified, really) when my husband informed me that in a training class at his work that they were told that everything they write should be at a 5th grade level. It seems that that's about the level most adults operate under now. My husband brought up a good point: If the 5th grade is the level they operate/communicate at, then why bother schooling any farther? Obviously, the school system doesn't work! But alas, I'm off on a bunny trail....or am I? Maybe it all boils down to books, and the love (or lack thereof) of them. Books used to be one of the main sources of entertainment, but not anymore. Everywhere you look now there are screens. Screens taking over the real sights and sounds of this world. There's nothing wrong with them, but there are just too many, and they're increasing! Increasing in number, increasing in intensity, and increasing in quality, which is probably the main reason they are increasing. We need to wake up people! Get your face away from the screen and look out the window! What do you see? What do you smell? (If you're at my house you will likely smell a dirty diaper or a dog fart, or some forgotten old food in the corner. Haha no it's not really that bad). People can get lost in books as well, and forget the world around them, but it's not as intrusive as screens tend to be. Ok. Nuff said. G'night.

Tea Time

Ever since I turned 12 I've been drinking coffee. Usually about 1-3 cups a day. It relaxed me, and even when I was a teenager drinking it with caffeine would make me sleepy. During my first pregnancy, however, I had to switch to decaf, because it would make my heart race to have that much caffeine. Coffee time is all about relaxing. Taking the time to sit and sip. My husband and I would generally make a pot of coffee after the kids were in bed. Last month after drinking a cup of afternoon coffee I started feeling really sick to my stomach....later that day I realized I had the stomach flu. Not fun. Ever since then I have lost my deep connection to coffee. Maybe it will return, who knows? Oh, I still enjoy a cup now and then, and still especially love my frozen mochas from Panera Bread, but I'm not addicted to it anymore. I've switched to tea. I've always enjoyed tea, but now it has taken Coffee's place. I must have tea everyday, and I prefer to drink it when I have time to really relax. While Simon takes his nap, Lacey and I will often enjoy a tea party together. I go all the way, and make it look beautiful. When the kids are in bed Jon and I often enjoy tea together as well. I love to make a pot, then put some milk in the little pitcher, and set it all on a tray, along with some pretty tea cups. I have some good memories as a child of having tea parties, especially one where I remember my daddy joining my sisters and I. He made us laugh so it was hard to drink the tea. Tea time is a good time to talk to someone. Having it in small tea cups keeps you near the tea set since you will need a refill or two. It also helps this sometimes frazzled and funky mom to feel elegant as I sit up straight and gracefully sip my tea. I give the glory to God for moments like those. He likes it when we stop moving so fast and sit and listen to our loved ones. What is something you do to relax and let time catch up to you?

Introduction to the blogging world

This is a blog that will basically be comprised of my thoughts, comings and goings, and creations. I've thought for awhile about starting a blog, and believe it or not, the thing stopping me was the title. I couldn't think of one that wouldn't be completely cheesy, and would also be specifically me (yes, I know I just called myself cheesy). I was talking with Jon the other day, and he was saying how I am his little 'free spirit.' I told him yes, but not crazy free spirit. I'm a Guided free spirit! Then it hit me. I could use that for a blog title. Sweet! Next, I had to find the time to create one...well, obviously, I found time. This post will be mostly mindless, as I am carrying on a conversation with my 4 year old, while attempting to write, and also tinkering with an occasional toy that my 20 month old brings to me.

I have a lot of thoughts, opinions, and some solutions that I want to share to those who want to listen. If you don't like what I write about, then please go away. You can read someone else's blog that tickles your ears...eyes...whatever.

Since this post is mostly nonsense, I will now end it. I hope to find times in the evenings when kids are sleeping to be able to write.