Friday, December 10, 2010
As usual, this Christmas season has jumped up on me, and I'm staggering, wondering how it came so fast. There's a lot of excitement this time as usual, but I'm really looking forward to watching my kids enjoy the season. Simon was only a year old last year, so he didn't really care that much. This year he is definitely already picking up on the excitement, enjoying the singing, and loving the decorations. I am so thankful for my kids. Each day (several times a day) I thank the Lord for those 2 darling blessings that he has given me. Part of why I do it so often now is that I realize how fragile life really is. I still hurt a lot from losing a baby a couple months ago. I would be nearly halfway through the pregnancy by now. I was looking forward so much to getting to know this new child, and welcoming her into our family. I know that God is in control. He has kept me sane throughout this loss, and sustained me, especially by reminding me to take joy in the children that are here with me now. Some days are harder than other though. It seems that every other day I am finding out that someone else I know is pregnant, or someone else just had a baby. It's hard not to turn into a bitter, jealous, green monster. Sometimes I think I do turn into that for a moment, but then I surrender to God because if I didn't the hurt would just kill me. Don't get me wrong. I am so happy for all those who are enjoying pregnancies and new babies right now. It just reminds of what I lost. I do know that someday when I get to heaven I will hold River in my arms and hug her and kiss her. Lacey and I were talking about heaven the other day, and Lacey said that Jesus is holding baby River, so we don't need to worry. Needless to say I had a very hard time not bursting out in loud sobs. It helps to realize that God sent His only son as a helpless little baby into this cruel world. That had to have been so hard to do, but He loves us so much! We are so blessed to have a Saviour who loves us that much. He is always with us. I still long for a baby. My arms feel empty too often now that Simon is becoming so independent. I would adopt any baby in a heartbeat, given the opportunity. I think this mother's love that I feel is a tiny bit like what God feels for us. He aches to hold us in His arms, and when we are lost from Him, His heart breaks. Whatever we have to go through, here on earth, He has been through it first, and in a much more intense way. He knows our suffering, He feels our pain, and He will never leave us.